So what is real communication? And how do you know if you have been successful ? Here is a concept to bring more clarity to those questions and cultivate greater self awareness between you and your partner.
What’s wrong?
A friend is going through a challenging time in his relationship, and his partner is telling him he needs to communicate more with her. He tries to talk with her more, perhaps asking about her day or talking about how work went at the office. She responds, but almost as if it were in passing. He experiments and changes the conversation to what he’s thinking about doing over the weekend or inquiring about her social plans. But she’s still not responsive, and he can’t figure out why. How many of us have experienced this? Probably more people than you realise.
People often confuse communication for talking or making conversation, and this is the root cause of why many of these same people are so unsuccessful in communicating with their partners. Communication in relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfil your partner’s needs
6 Core Human Needs
According to renowned coach and speaker Anthony Robbins, success and happiness can be found in meeting 6 core needs. Each day we fulfil these needs in a constructive / resourceful way or in a destructive / unresourceful way. The key is to gain greater awareness around what we do, then we can then consider other ways to meet these needs more resourcefully if required.
Whatever emotion you’re after, whatever vehicle you pursue—building a business, getting married, raising a family, traveling the world—whatever you think your nirvana is, there are six basic, universal needs that make us tick and drive all human behaviour. Combined, they are the force behind the crazy things (other) people do and the great things we do 🙂
We all have the same six needs, but how we value those needs and in what order, determines the direction of our life. Once you discover which needs matter the most to your partner, you’ll know how to communicate in a way that satisfies and fulfils them.
The 6 core human needs are certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth and contribution. The first 4 needs are defined as needs of the personality and the last 2 are defined as needs of the spirit.
What does your partner need?
The first human need is the need for certainty- the need for safety, stability, security, comfort, order, predictability, control and consistency. It’s this need that drives us to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, stress and emotional risks. Ask yourself these questions: how secure is my partner feeling in our relationship? Does it feel more like a gamble, or is there certainty in the commitment we’ve made to each other? Is there certainty in our standard of living? We all find safety and comfort in different things. Have you tried being open with your partner about what gives them certainty and makes them feel safe?
The second human need is the need for uncertainty-the need for variety, surprise, excitement, challenges, difference, adventure, change and novelty. Surprising events can be scary, but they can also be exciting and fun. How we face the unexpected dictates the way we build character and our ability to do more in life. Are there enough healthy challenges in your relationship, and in life you share with your partner, that you and your partner can tackle together to ensure that you grow together, too?
These first 2 needs – certainty and variety, work with each other ( i.e. a paradox). If there is an imbalance in one need ( e.g. too much certainty) you could experience boredom and crave adventure. This is one reason for affairs happening in a relationship, although a destructive rather than constructive way of getting that need met.
Someone who wants lots of certainty and control for example, is going to make different decisions to someone who enjoys and values variety. What types of job choices would they be attracted to? Who would they want to spend time with? How would they communicate?
Significance -the need to feel special, worthy, needed, wanted, proud, different unique and important is the third human need. You can already feel how important this is in your relationship, right? Communication is key to this particular desire, because your partner needs to know that they are important, that you need them, in a singular way — that they fulfil your needs in ways that only they can. How do you demonstrate to your partner, not just tell them, that they are significant to you?
The fourth basic human need is for connection and love. Every human needs to feel connected with others; after all, we are social animals. Knowing that we’re loved can make us feel at our most alive, but absence of love can cause pain like nothing else can. Too often we automatically say “I love you” in order to solve a conflict with our partners, and forget to show love in a real, tangible way that speaks to our partner’s needs. Reverse this pattern: consciously show your partner that you love them every day, and by doing that, your connection will deepen. Do this in any way you choose, be it holding their hand while you watch television together, or cooking dinner for them when you’re able to. One piece of advice you should always heed: remember, love is about giving, not getting.
Significance and love and connection are also paradoxes. If you spend too much time gaining significance you may have trouble finding deep intimate relationships that thrive on love and connection.
Someone who values and needs lots of significance will make vastly different decisions to someone who values connection and love.
We all want these needs fulfilled in everything we do – it’s how we meet these needs that can shape our lives. Connection can be achieved through smoking – we connect with ourselves and with other smokers. Connection can also be met through friendships, reading, deep breathing, exercise… how we meet this need will absolutely shape the quality of our life.
Needs of the Spirit
The final two needs determine our level of happiness – growth and contribution is where we truly come to know what we are capable of, and gives us a sense of fulfilment. The less we grow and contribute, the less happy we will feel. The more we grow and contribute, the happier we feel.
Growth is the fifth human need, because the human experience is one of motion. We constantly endeavour to evolve along the different paths that interest us the most, whether these are emotional, intellectual, spiritual or otherwise. Your partner has the need for growth as much as you do. When was the last time you supported your partner’s growth in the areas that he or she is most passionate about?
The sixth and final human need is contribution and giving. As Tony Robbins often says, the secret to living is giving. Contribution is our source of meaning — it determines who we become and solidifies our legacy, who we are and our role in the world. The need to give beyond ourselves, give, care, protect and serve others. Consider what you give to your partner. Are you giving your time? Your undivided attention? The benefit of the doubt? A second chance?
There is one surefire way to know if your partner is getting these six human needs met in your relationship. Listen to them, truly listen: reflect on what your partner says, and if you’re not sure what he or she means, then ask by restating their point and asking if you understand correctly.
Recent Comments